YA: Yes, I DO Speak German!

If there’s one thing I’ve found since being in Germany, it’s that it’s actually bloody difficult to speak to German. I don’t mean that I’m finding it difficult to articulate myself (well, a bit); I’m referring more to the fact that EVERYONE, the second they find out you’re not German, instantaneously switches to English.  

It’s frankly getting on my nerves. Apparently “Können sie langsamer sprechen, bitte?” does not, as I thought, translate as “Can you speak slower please?” but rather as “Please talk to me in English, I am a retard.” Slightly stumbling over your words, be it in the bakery or asking for directions, automatically results in a sympathetic head tilt and an English reply. Even if you then respond in German, they cannot be swayed from this patronising course and persistently talk at you in English whilst you desperately wonder if you absent-mindedly hopped on the 19.30 to Heathrow and are now on Oxford Street instead of Königstraße as you originally thought. Even those who have shitter English that I do German (very few) still manage to do it. It's driving me mad.

I know that the Germans that do this probably think they’re being helpful, and to someone who didn’t speak German, they most certainly are. However, to those of use who can speak German, albeit badly, it’s just a pain in the arse. Hence why I angrily shouted at the man in the 02 shop in a conversation that ran thusly:

Me: “Hallo, ich will Guthaben für mein Surfstick kaufen.“

Man: “You know, I can speak English if that’s easi—“

Me: “ICH BIN IN DEUTSCHLAND UND ICH MUSS MEIN DEUTSCH ÜBEN!“

I do feel bad, because he was a nice man who did not deserve to have my pent-up aggression unleashed at him, but I was at the end of my tether. I’m relying on this year abroad to pull my ailing language skills up to scratch, and that’s never going to happen unless I actually get to speak it.

So I want this blog to act as a message to all Germans (and any other nationalities I may happen to come across during the course of these nine months). Feel free to pass it round should you be suffering from the same Year Abroad based problem. My message is this: HERR GOTT NOCH MAL, KEIN MEHR ENGLISH MIT MIR SPECHEN! (‘For God’s sake, don’t speak any more English with me!’)

Thank you.